What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
12.06.2025 02:02
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
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And who doesn’t know suffering?
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
What’s the worst thing you caught anyone in your family doing?
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Why cant I stop thinking about counsellor between sessions?
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Im still living with it.
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My life is so biszare .
I couldn’t, believe it.
I never cut or harmed myself..
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
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It was going to be , some day.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
How can you maintain self-control?
She found it foreign!.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
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Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
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19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
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I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
So, i spoilt her more .
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
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She loved him until the end.
When she asked me how she looked .
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
What are some questions obviously just asked for sexual gratification?
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Why did i forgive my father ?
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
But, we were locked up after school.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Comes on , in middle age.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Especially a lifetime of it.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I was 9 years of age.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I said to her
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I was seconnd youngest,
The only rule us 5 kids had .
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I have no regrets .
I had hoped to write a book about this .
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
My family never makes their pension either.
This is soul school!.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
We all went to grammer schools
I was very sick at this time too.
But it wasn’t much.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
She married twice! .
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
She wouldn,t have been !
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I don,t even have a pension.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I think the readers, may guess!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Who then, do I blame.?
He resisted the act ,that day.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
But ive been too sick for many years..
Was to survive, this bastard.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I could never make a relationship work though!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I did it because my mum asked me too!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Ive learnt so much.
All the time i was locked up.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
So whats the point in blame.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I will be 64.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I write beautiful poetry .
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I was scared of men, in general
Put me off passion for life!!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
One cannot live in the past .
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
And i lived it daily.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Would this be the day?
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
She was in good health!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I waited trembling.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
What did i know ?
He knew the spot.
(And it was in our own minds.)
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
As i do to all so called friends.?
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
We were not on the streets..
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.